Tired of Earthly Dust? Upgrade to the AstroSuck 3000!

The Future of Precision Dust Extraction Technology

NEW!

Featuring Revolutionary Quantum Suction Technology™

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UNITS SOLD: 0 5 6 0 7

Experience vacuuming like never before with the revolutionary AstroSuck 3000! Using cutting-edge (and slightly unstable) technology direct from the Red Planet, this isn't just a vacuum... it's an adventure! Forget boring cleaning routines, prepare for suction that defies expectations (and sometimes physics). Features our patented Anti-Gravity Dust Chamber™!

Unbelievable Features!

Discover the Alien Technology Inside!

Red Sand Heating Elements

Utilizes refined Martian regolith particles to generate supposedly superior, yet slightly unstable, suction power. Warning: May cause minor temporal distortions.

Anti-Gravity Crumb Tray"

Dust doesn’t settle, it just hovers ominously until manually removed with the included magnetic extractor. Diagram pending approval from Martian High Command.

Phased Plasma Browning Control

Offers settings from "Gentle Sweep" to "Black Hole Vacuum." Precision is... questionable. Use at your own risk.

Interplanetary Communication Array

Occasionally sends dust data back to Mars. Privacy policy available in Martian Standard Tongue only.

What Earthlings Say!

Don't Just Take Our Word For It! (Results May Vary)

"I think... I think it gave my cat superpowers? 5 stars for AstroSuck 3000!"

"The Anti-Gravity Dust Chamber saved my sanity! And my carpet!"

"I think... I think it gave my cat superpowers? 5 stars!"

Order Your Toastonaut 3000 Today!

Get Ready for Extraterrestrial Toast! (Shipping from Mars may take 6-8 Earth minutes)

40% OFF

$1,333.33 (3,999.99 ₢) $799.99 (2,399.97 ₢) + 1 Small Moon Rock

LIMITED TIME OFFER!

• Free Martian-English Dictionary
• Interplanetary 5-Year Warranty
• Anti-Gravity Crumb Tray Included

* ₢ = Martian Credits, official currency of Mars colonies

Frequently Asked Questions

Your Burning Questions Answered (Maybe)

Q: Is it safe?

A: Define "safe". Our Martian engineers assure us the radiation levels are *mostly* within acceptable limits for short-term exposure.

Q: Where do I get Martian Power Converters?

A: Currently backordered. Try bartering with a passing asteroid miner.

Q: Will it summon Martian overlords?

A: Please consult warranty section 7b, subsection Gamma-9 (written in Martian hieroglyphs).

Q: Does it work with bagels?

A: Bagel compatibility pending results from dimensional rift analysis.

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